Turkey Bowl with the Elders Quorum

Okay, so the Elders Quorum president at church (who is also my home teacher — the same who skateboards to Sunday meetings and refers to me as “dude” and “bro” and assumes I went to “the Cougs” for college — we’re basically from different planets) sent me an email tonight inviting me to join a game of flag football on Thanksgiving.  Normally this guy drives me nuts (for which I will surely go to hell because he’s actually totally nice and completely sincere in trying to show good Christian fellowship), but this email cracks me up and I love it so so much.

I love how I fall on the wrong side of every judgment-laden distinction:  biglaw; yuppie (on bascially all counts — no football games, Trader Joe’s, cycling tights); kid/boy (by virtue of being a bicyclist).  And I love the irony that, of everyone on that email list, I’m the only one who spends the bulk of my time actually working for the NFL on the very deals that put football games on TV in the first place, and yet I still don’t qualify for manhood because I haven’t watched a football game in the past year. 

I almost regret that I’ll be doing some crazy Crossfit workout at 8am on Thanksgiving morning instead of going to this thing . . . .

*   *   *   *

FROM:  EQ President
TO:  Arlington 1st Ward Elders Quorum

Elders, we need you to come trash our friends from the Arlington 2nd ward in our annual Turkey Bowl game of flag football.

Date: Thanksgiving
Time: 8AM, rain or shine.
Where: Yorktown High School Football Field
Bring: Footballs and cones if you have them. Water, crutches, and bandages too.

Frequently Asked Questions:
·        What are the teams? We were going to go with Lawyers v. Everyone else. But then we realized the biglaw lawyers would still be at work finishing up all-nighters. And even with just the government, non-profit, and small firm lawyers, the lawyers would still vastly outnumber everyone else. So we are going to default to men v. yuppies.
·        How do I know which team I’m on? To make sure there are more than 2 or 3 guys on the men’s team, men will have to be broadly defined as anyone who has watched a football game within the past year. That’s right; even if you shop at Trader Joe’s, drive a Prius, and/or own a pair of cycling tights, this is your chance to play on the men’s team (unless the only football you watched was BYU v. UVA in Charlottesville).
·        Can we invite others? Of course. You can even count it as your Elder Ballard gospel invitation before Christmas; but only if your guests are tackled by the missionaries – baptism by immersion in mud.
·        What about kids? The young men presidencies have organized a game for boys and bicyclists – same time and place.

      4 comments

      1. Anonymous · · Reply

        Oh, my heck! “Lawyers v. Everyone else. But then we realized the biglaw lawyers would still be at work finishing up all-nighters.” This email is hilarious, insulting,true and rediculous all at once. And like we'd ever have anything to do with “The ZOO”! Lady

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      2. Oh geez, that letter. That was bad, “bro”. Or do you prefer “dude”. haha.

        And I think my friends, Bob and Tomoko Putnam are in the Arlington 1st ward, or were at one time. Did you know them at all? Bob was/is on a change of assignment from LANL at the Pentagon for 3 years. I hope you did/do know them, they are the nicest people.

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      3. Yes, the Putnams are in my ward! I don't know them well, but they seem like good people. I'll have to make sure they know the connection when I see them on Sunday.

        Like

      4. I have a great admiration for how comfortable you are with who you are. No apologies. :o)

        Like

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